I want to write this now because after our trip, these feelings will go away. I know this because I have been here before.
First off, let me be 100% honest in my thoughts. When I tell you about what I am going to do and the risk, and you minimize that, I laugh to myself and think, "you have no fucking idea."
oh warning, This is the blog of "Fear and Whiskey" which I need to uphold.
Frankly, I am a bit worried for all of our safety. We are going to climb some icebergs in a week from today. If they roll, break up or the boat tips and sink, we die. Period! This isn't some Hollywood film, no one will know that we are 5 miles out in the Ocean. There are no freaking high tech ships with radios, it's not the fucking biggest catch bullshit on Discovery after all. We are going out in a boat no different than what I went out in Lake Erie with my father twenty some years ago. We will not have radios or rescue.
Why do this? Wow... Because we have to. For me personally, I am miserable and depressed if I don't do these things. I have done things like this all my life. Why? Because it is the only time that I am happy and feel good. If I don't, I am in hell and don't care what happens to me next. This is the problem with people like myself. We aren't trying to prove anything, it is just the way we want to be, which is the only way to be happy.
When I come up to a trip 2 weeks out I become very aggressive and worried. It is kind of funny, I called an old friend tonight and she asked right off the bat, "what is wrong, is everything alright?" I said, "Yeah, we are leaving in a week, you know what I get like."
Here is another vibe I get. You may not like it and you may even think I am an ass, but this is what goes through my mind before I go on things that really worry me.
I look around the bar at every fucker who is trying to look tough and want to punch them in the face. "When was the last time you ever done something that you thought that you would be dead in the next hour?" Then I want to fuck their girlfriend to prove my point. Fucking posers. You want to be tough, then be tough, fuck the costumes.